You arrogant son of a bitch. Did you really think you would have been able to hide from me? Did you really think that I would let that slide? How long did you think you would be able to play around in my head? You want to open doors, just to see whats there, try to torment me with memories? Guess what asshole, wrong fucking door last night.
For those of you following along at home, the last while my dreams have been kinda fucked up, the last two or three nights its been almost as bad as its ever been. Also for about a week or so there have also been what I thought were two entities somewhere near by. Seems I was a bit mistaken in that one. I'm pretty sure now that there is only one, wanting me to think there were two, I'm guessing so I wouldn't completely focus on it. Well seems that there was a connection between the two things happening and I'm kinda irritated at myself for not seeing it sooner.
Regardless I caught the bastard trying to poke around my head again last night. For whatever reason it was nibbing around my head trying to find something. Well it found something alright. Something I can't believe I had locked down again at one point. The fun part now is, now I remember exactly what it is. Guess what else, yeah, its old, I'm older. I'm sure of that now.
So guess what you son of a bitch, you want to play, lets play. You are not the one who will bring me down.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Clean up on aisle 5!
Yeah, so obviously I didn't leave today like I was supposed to. As I'm so fond of telling others, life sucks, get a helmet. Its not really a big deal, I'm still getting home on time (as of right now) but I'm sitting in Iraq a few more days instead of sitting in Kuwait. Whatever, at this point it is sooo time to get the hell out of here.
Lately my mind has just been all over the place lately, mostly directly in the gutter. I suppose that's to be expected, but lately its been bad even for me. Of course its wonderful that so many of my friends are incredibly amused by this. I'm almost afraid to open my e-mail any more. I think I posted about this phenomenon a while ago. Innocent looking e-mail with a pic attachment, text reads "hey just wanted you to take a look at this and see what you think." Open attachment, random chick with her tits hanging out. I should really know better by know, all of my college friends are sick freaks to begin with. I should know, most of the people I still talk to from back then are old girlfriends of mine. Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly complaining here but it would be nice to know if its safe to read my e-mail at work.
Aside from being in the gutter there have been a few other things that have disturbed me a more than a little bit. My dreams are still all over the place and I'm starting to have trouble keeping up with them. I've had this happen a few other times in my life and if what happened then continues to happen this time, I'm not looking forward to the next few months. I'm really hoping that these are dreams this time and not something else, although the soreness in my chest, back, and arms makes me thing they are no where close to dreams. Lately everytime I close my eyes I see another battle. I can live with just seeing them, its the after effects that my body goes through that worries me.
*flash*
A man is running up a hill. Skins cover his feet, plaid cloth is wrapped around his waist. His long red hair and beard are a birds nest of tangles. His entire body is caked in mud and blood, as is the axe in his hands. All around him chaos reigns. Men fall before his axe, he gives them no more thought than a man swatting a fly. Suddenly, the point of a yard long arrow is protruding from the center of his chest. He runs 5 more steps before tumbling into darkness...
*flash*
Sounds of fighting echo from the court yard. Through the darkness of the corridor he hurries. Black cloth covers his body, loose enough to let him move but tight enough not catch on anything. He feels the weight of his knives at his wrists, and belts. Spying one of the intruders ahead, he slips a dagger into each hand. The intruder is dead before he knows there is someone else near him. Suddenly white pain tears across his back. He turns to see the second intruder just as the sword is plunged into his chest. He slides into darkness as his body slides off the blade...
*flash*
A man and a women lie in each others arms. Lavish clothes lay next to the ornate wooden bed. He looks down into her eyes while her legs are wrapped around him. He leans down and kisses her. She urges him onto his back, kissing him as she mounts him. As she leans back, a hint of mischief is in her eyes. It is only then that he sees the knife in her hand. Quick as a flash she puts it through his throat, cutting off any possible noise. The last thing he sees is her smiling down at him as the world fades to darkness...
*flash*
a spear slides home
*flash*
a deafening roar as the bullet rips through him
*flash*
*flash*
Over and over it continues. Every feeling, every sensation. From the exhilaration of battle, the heft of a weapon in my hands, to the pain of the blade passing through flesh. In the morning, sore muscles, stiff joints and who knows what else. I try to pass it off as the cot but I know that its not. The last time this happened in college my g/f almost freaked out. She woke up to me tossing and turning, obviously having some kind of dream. She claimed that when she looked down at me, my face looked like I was in pain. As she watched she could have sworn to there being a scar on my chest that suddenly broke open, but when she touched it the skin was smooth and unbroken. She thought it must have been a trick of the light. The next morning she told me and then pointed to several spots of blood on the sheet where I had been laying.
All I can say is please not again, at least not yet....
Lately my mind has just been all over the place lately, mostly directly in the gutter. I suppose that's to be expected, but lately its been bad even for me. Of course its wonderful that so many of my friends are incredibly amused by this. I'm almost afraid to open my e-mail any more. I think I posted about this phenomenon a while ago. Innocent looking e-mail with a pic attachment, text reads "hey just wanted you to take a look at this and see what you think." Open attachment, random chick with her tits hanging out. I should really know better by know, all of my college friends are sick freaks to begin with. I should know, most of the people I still talk to from back then are old girlfriends of mine. Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly complaining here but it would be nice to know if its safe to read my e-mail at work.
Aside from being in the gutter there have been a few other things that have disturbed me a more than a little bit. My dreams are still all over the place and I'm starting to have trouble keeping up with them. I've had this happen a few other times in my life and if what happened then continues to happen this time, I'm not looking forward to the next few months. I'm really hoping that these are dreams this time and not something else, although the soreness in my chest, back, and arms makes me thing they are no where close to dreams. Lately everytime I close my eyes I see another battle. I can live with just seeing them, its the after effects that my body goes through that worries me.
*flash*
A man is running up a hill. Skins cover his feet, plaid cloth is wrapped around his waist. His long red hair and beard are a birds nest of tangles. His entire body is caked in mud and blood, as is the axe in his hands. All around him chaos reigns. Men fall before his axe, he gives them no more thought than a man swatting a fly. Suddenly, the point of a yard long arrow is protruding from the center of his chest. He runs 5 more steps before tumbling into darkness...
*flash*
Sounds of fighting echo from the court yard. Through the darkness of the corridor he hurries. Black cloth covers his body, loose enough to let him move but tight enough not catch on anything. He feels the weight of his knives at his wrists, and belts. Spying one of the intruders ahead, he slips a dagger into each hand. The intruder is dead before he knows there is someone else near him. Suddenly white pain tears across his back. He turns to see the second intruder just as the sword is plunged into his chest. He slides into darkness as his body slides off the blade...
*flash*
A man and a women lie in each others arms. Lavish clothes lay next to the ornate wooden bed. He looks down into her eyes while her legs are wrapped around him. He leans down and kisses her. She urges him onto his back, kissing him as she mounts him. As she leans back, a hint of mischief is in her eyes. It is only then that he sees the knife in her hand. Quick as a flash she puts it through his throat, cutting off any possible noise. The last thing he sees is her smiling down at him as the world fades to darkness...
*flash*
a spear slides home
*flash*
a deafening roar as the bullet rips through him
*flash*
*flash*
Over and over it continues. Every feeling, every sensation. From the exhilaration of battle, the heft of a weapon in my hands, to the pain of the blade passing through flesh. In the morning, sore muscles, stiff joints and who knows what else. I try to pass it off as the cot but I know that its not. The last time this happened in college my g/f almost freaked out. She woke up to me tossing and turning, obviously having some kind of dream. She claimed that when she looked down at me, my face looked like I was in pain. As she watched she could have sworn to there being a scar on my chest that suddenly broke open, but when she touched it the skin was smooth and unbroken. She thought it must have been a trick of the light. The next morning she told me and then pointed to several spots of blood on the sheet where I had been laying.
All I can say is please not again, at least not yet....
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Black Horse
Aye, Aye, Aye. So its been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing horrid but stressful none the less. We've moved into tents as of now, no biggie but these cots are not doing good things for my back. Needless to say I haven't exactly been sleeping deeply for long periods of time. I'm not sure if my dreams have been messed up simply because of that fact or if there is actually something going on here. At this point neither would suprise me. The biggest thing I remember from them is someone sitting on a huge black horse, war torn, watching a city burn. I know whatever I'm seeing this person is the cause of it, but what gets me most is in the center of the city is the same tower I keep seeing in other dreams.
Some thing else has been going on lately too. It seems I can feel the energy flow off of absolutly everything. Which, back in the states is not that weird. However since I've been out here alot of that has been dulled. I don't know its just my body getting ready to go home or if something else is at play. I'm willing to bet on the former but some of what I'm seeing out here is kind of bothering me. There is something nearby, well two somethings actually. Both of them are old and both of them are big. One of them is familiar to me but with him its hard to tell, bastard has more faces than most cities. What is weird is he usually isn't timid about coming up on me. I noticed him more than a week ago and so far he is still pissing around. Just as well I suppose, I really don't have time to deal with more shit right now.
Ah well, I'll be home in about a week and after that I can recharge to be ready to go at it again. Later
Some thing else has been going on lately too. It seems I can feel the energy flow off of absolutly everything. Which, back in the states is not that weird. However since I've been out here alot of that has been dulled. I don't know its just my body getting ready to go home or if something else is at play. I'm willing to bet on the former but some of what I'm seeing out here is kind of bothering me. There is something nearby, well two somethings actually. Both of them are old and both of them are big. One of them is familiar to me but with him its hard to tell, bastard has more faces than most cities. What is weird is he usually isn't timid about coming up on me. I noticed him more than a week ago and so far he is still pissing around. Just as well I suppose, I really don't have time to deal with more shit right now.
Ah well, I'll be home in about a week and after that I can recharge to be ready to go at it again. Later
Friday, August 04, 2006
Please place your seat back forward.....
Its been said that you can never move forward if you are looking backwards. This usually comes from ignorant people who are simply trying to accomplish their own goals, with no regard to long term effects, side effects, or the general laws of physics and probability. You know the people with the "well, I can do it better" attitude.
Personally I'm more inclined to the saying "you don't know where you are going if you don't know where you have been." Avoiding making the same mistake twice is something I have tried desperately to do. Unfortunately, my concept of the past goes back quite a bit further than just my 25 years and usually the appropriate memories don't surface until after I'm dealing with the fallout. Hindsight is 20/20 my ass.
One thing I have had out here in mass quantities is time to sit and think. Which unfortunately allows me time to sit and turn every decision I've ever made over in my head and place it in the "what was I thinking" category. One of my major character flaws is I hate stuff that falls into the "but what if" sections. What if I had not done this when I did, where would I be? What if I had gone this way instead? If I hadn't joined the Army where would I be? What if I did join the Army but didn't get married when I did? If, if, if, if, if. I've always tried to live my life without the what if's but now I'm 25 years old and I have enough of them to build a tree house, and probably the tree as well.
So how do you cope with these things? I've always found a combination of booze, cigarettes, and lots of sex usually works well. Unfortunately, there are two draw backs to this approach. 1) Your body tends to hate you after a couple of days if you keep up with all three. 2) Two of my three options are not available to me out here. Sorry porn and frequent masturbation don't count as sex, no matter how many teenagers wish they did. Is there another effective way of dealing with this problem? (that what ifs not the lack of sex, please try to stay with the conversation, freaking perverts...)
The only other way I've found is to be open and honest with the people in your life. Its the things left unsaid that will tear you apart from your loved ones. The best course is always to get it off your chest and deal with it together. It doesn't matter if its a friend, a lover, a significant other, parent, whatever. After you talk it out, will things probably change? Most likely, will it always be for the better, in my experience usually. Thats one of the reasons that I'm always happy when someone comes to me, even if it is something that I may not agree with/want to hear/ or will generally make life more difficult. In then end, it almost always works out for the better.
Wow. Ok so that was a really long philosophical rant. Hadn't really planned on that one. And since I really don't have a way out of this......
BOOBIES!!!
*points and runs away*
Personally I'm more inclined to the saying "you don't know where you are going if you don't know where you have been." Avoiding making the same mistake twice is something I have tried desperately to do. Unfortunately, my concept of the past goes back quite a bit further than just my 25 years and usually the appropriate memories don't surface until after I'm dealing with the fallout. Hindsight is 20/20 my ass.
One thing I have had out here in mass quantities is time to sit and think. Which unfortunately allows me time to sit and turn every decision I've ever made over in my head and place it in the "what was I thinking" category. One of my major character flaws is I hate stuff that falls into the "but what if" sections. What if I had not done this when I did, where would I be? What if I had gone this way instead? If I hadn't joined the Army where would I be? What if I did join the Army but didn't get married when I did? If, if, if, if, if. I've always tried to live my life without the what if's but now I'm 25 years old and I have enough of them to build a tree house, and probably the tree as well.
So how do you cope with these things? I've always found a combination of booze, cigarettes, and lots of sex usually works well. Unfortunately, there are two draw backs to this approach. 1) Your body tends to hate you after a couple of days if you keep up with all three. 2) Two of my three options are not available to me out here. Sorry porn and frequent masturbation don't count as sex, no matter how many teenagers wish they did. Is there another effective way of dealing with this problem? (that what ifs not the lack of sex, please try to stay with the conversation, freaking perverts...)
The only other way I've found is to be open and honest with the people in your life. Its the things left unsaid that will tear you apart from your loved ones. The best course is always to get it off your chest and deal with it together. It doesn't matter if its a friend, a lover, a significant other, parent, whatever. After you talk it out, will things probably change? Most likely, will it always be for the better, in my experience usually. Thats one of the reasons that I'm always happy when someone comes to me, even if it is something that I may not agree with/want to hear/ or will generally make life more difficult. In then end, it almost always works out for the better.
Wow. Ok so that was a really long philosophical rant. Hadn't really planned on that one. And since I really don't have a way out of this......
BOOBIES!!!
*points and runs away*
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Getting closer
So yeah, I have just over a month before I get out of this god forsaken place. I recently had a conversation in which a comment about being in hell was made. I felt compelled to remind them that we are not in hell. In hell there are 7 levels, which means every so often you do something different than the day before.
Well thats not 100% true. I start on a guard point in the next couple of days and then I'll do that everyday until I leave. Skippy. Ah well, I shouldn't complain too much, at least I'll be away from Ceaser and his innane ramblings. "you know there is too much dust on this base, we need to do something about all the dust. I'm getting tired of everything looking dirty." Earth to fucktard, memo for you, WE ARE IN IRAQ!!!! The entire country is on big dust ball covered in powdered camel shit, nothing is going to stay clean for more than two minutes.
I swear its people like this that are the reason the war costs are so damn high. We moved building a while back, and when we got there one of the main concerns is, get this, there was no flag pole. FLAG POLE!?!?! So we have to contract KBR to get a flag pole put in, god knows what this costs the army. KBR workers make an average of $100,000 a year over here, EACH!!! So between paperwork, labor, and materials I'm betting that was $50,000 to get that flag pole put in. Then as they are installing this 25ft metal phallus, THEY CUT THE FIBER OPTIC LINE INTO THE BUILDING!!! The fiber ring isn't even completely installed on post yet and they ended up cutting the line to put in a flag pole.
So what is the importance of the flag pole you ask? Is it some kind of force protection measure. Some sort of signal flag to warn troops to move to safety? Nope its so he can display his commanders flag so people know he's at work. *headdesk*
I give up.
Well thats not 100% true. I start on a guard point in the next couple of days and then I'll do that everyday until I leave. Skippy. Ah well, I shouldn't complain too much, at least I'll be away from Ceaser and his innane ramblings. "you know there is too much dust on this base, we need to do something about all the dust. I'm getting tired of everything looking dirty." Earth to fucktard, memo for you, WE ARE IN IRAQ!!!! The entire country is on big dust ball covered in powdered camel shit, nothing is going to stay clean for more than two minutes.
I swear its people like this that are the reason the war costs are so damn high. We moved building a while back, and when we got there one of the main concerns is, get this, there was no flag pole. FLAG POLE!?!?! So we have to contract KBR to get a flag pole put in, god knows what this costs the army. KBR workers make an average of $100,000 a year over here, EACH!!! So between paperwork, labor, and materials I'm betting that was $50,000 to get that flag pole put in. Then as they are installing this 25ft metal phallus, THEY CUT THE FIBER OPTIC LINE INTO THE BUILDING!!! The fiber ring isn't even completely installed on post yet and they ended up cutting the line to put in a flag pole.
So what is the importance of the flag pole you ask? Is it some kind of force protection measure. Some sort of signal flag to warn troops to move to safety? Nope its so he can display his commanders flag so people know he's at work. *headdesk*
I give up.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
long over due
Wow, ok so I did another one of my disappearing acts again. Didn't mean to but things have just been nutty around here. Well no more so than usual but I guess its easy to get caught up in the routine. I basically have the same day over and over again so it gets hard to come up with stuff to write about. Was trying to keep an actual journal about my deployment but it ended up being: "Went to work today, sat at a desk for 12 hours and listened to the brass bitch" over and over again so I stopped that. Ah, so what has been going on around here?
I've now officially past my three year mark in the army. Only five and a half left, oh god what was I thinking, LOL. Its ok though, I have some options when I get back from here. When I re-enlisted part of my contract was that they would send me back to AIT to train as a 25 B. Basically that will put me doing IT work, some server work, mostly setting up and maintaining user stations. Not exactly glamourous work but it will get me my A+ and a handful of other certifications. If I go this route I'm trying to get stationed at Ft. Bragg, I think its time to move on from Ft. Campbell.
There is another option that I will probably take over that one if it presents itself. Couple years ago I put in an application to work down in DC doing commo work. Problem is the paper trail to approved to work there is ridiculous. Well long story short, I recently received info that I'm in the final stage of the review process. This usually takes a couple of months, and if it comes back approved, I'll be inline for a spot. If all goes smoothly, I could be placed in DC before the end of next year. Problem, if this comes through, I can't go back to AIT and retrain. You have to be working in your job for two years before you eligible.The big question is, which is more important to me in the long run. Granted DC is an amazing opportunity, but the IT think is something I can see myself doing once I get out of the military. Honestly I think in the long run DC will be the better option all the way around. I'm sure working there would open up all kinds of doors for me. Hell, maybe I'll get out and go work for one of the alphabet agencies when I'm done. Also the biggest perk for DC would be no more year long deployments. Granted I'll be traveling constantly, it will be all over the place, not just sitting on a base in (insert random middle eastern country name here).
Ah, well. Only other thing that’s been going on is I finally got promoted. Yup, its official, I'm now a sergeant. I'm glad to finally have that out of the way. I've seen guys with between 4-6 years in the military that still haven't made Sergeant. I really, really didn't want to be one of them LOL.
The wife is doing well, losing her mind with over school work right now. She has a little less than a year to finish up and most of that will be clinical trials. I know she can’t wait to be done. I don’t blame here, I don’t think I could ever have kept up with the schedule she keeps, even if that was all I was doing. I feel bad because I could help her on her Gen-Ed classes, but now that she is into the strictly biology and chemistry type stuff I am completely lost.
Ah well I suppose that’s enough for now. I’ll rant more later on, promise.
I've now officially past my three year mark in the army. Only five and a half left, oh god what was I thinking, LOL. Its ok though, I have some options when I get back from here. When I re-enlisted part of my contract was that they would send me back to AIT to train as a 25 B. Basically that will put me doing IT work, some server work, mostly setting up and maintaining user stations. Not exactly glamourous work but it will get me my A+ and a handful of other certifications. If I go this route I'm trying to get stationed at Ft. Bragg, I think its time to move on from Ft. Campbell.
There is another option that I will probably take over that one if it presents itself. Couple years ago I put in an application to work down in DC doing commo work. Problem is the paper trail to approved to work there is ridiculous. Well long story short, I recently received info that I'm in the final stage of the review process. This usually takes a couple of months, and if it comes back approved, I'll be inline for a spot. If all goes smoothly, I could be placed in DC before the end of next year. Problem, if this comes through, I can't go back to AIT and retrain. You have to be working in your job for two years before you eligible.The big question is, which is more important to me in the long run. Granted DC is an amazing opportunity, but the IT think is something I can see myself doing once I get out of the military. Honestly I think in the long run DC will be the better option all the way around. I'm sure working there would open up all kinds of doors for me. Hell, maybe I'll get out and go work for one of the alphabet agencies when I'm done. Also the biggest perk for DC would be no more year long deployments. Granted I'll be traveling constantly, it will be all over the place, not just sitting on a base in (insert random middle eastern country name here).
Ah, well. Only other thing that’s been going on is I finally got promoted. Yup, its official, I'm now a sergeant. I'm glad to finally have that out of the way. I've seen guys with between 4-6 years in the military that still haven't made Sergeant. I really, really didn't want to be one of them LOL.
The wife is doing well, losing her mind with over school work right now. She has a little less than a year to finish up and most of that will be clinical trials. I know she can’t wait to be done. I don’t blame here, I don’t think I could ever have kept up with the schedule she keeps, even if that was all I was doing. I feel bad because I could help her on her Gen-Ed classes, but now that she is into the strictly biology and chemistry type stuff I am completely lost.
Ah well I suppose that’s enough for now. I’ll rant more later on, promise.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Lying Bastard!
I know I know, I'm sorry. I really meant to call you the next morning, baby. My job got ahold of me, then my phone died, and a shark ate my internet connection.
LOL ok seriously though, life has been kinda crazy around here. Went on a 4 day pass the begining of march and I've been trying to play catch up ever since. The pass was fun, nice to get away for a couple of days, be able to wear civies for a change. But it ended way too soon so it was back to the daily grind for a while longer. Finally managed to get back into the swing of things, have a couple of rants that I need to get posted. Not going to happen tonight, though, need to get some sleep. Back soon, I promise.
LOL ok seriously though, life has been kinda crazy around here. Went on a 4 day pass the begining of march and I've been trying to play catch up ever since. The pass was fun, nice to get away for a couple of days, be able to wear civies for a change. But it ended way too soon so it was back to the daily grind for a while longer. Finally managed to get back into the swing of things, have a couple of rants that I need to get posted. Not going to happen tonight, though, need to get some sleep. Back soon, I promise.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
The black out ends!
Ok so I've finally gotten my net working again so I'll have a longer post soon. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive, well and connected to the world again.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Too much time on my hands
As you can tell by things on here, I've had some free time in the last couple of days. Been meaning to updated the look on here for a little while. Its sad, the main reason I'm using mySpace now is to host pictures for one here LOL. I've tried to keep a few other online journals over the years but for some reason none of them really worked out. I guess the problem is they never really felt personal to me. My Space just has too much extra garbage to it. LiveJournal I've always been overly cautious about putting too much of myself in it for some reason. I guess I like the freedom that on here they actually let you see the code for your page, not only that they let you edit it as well. If you don't like the header, change it, if you don't like the color scheme, you can change it. I dunno, we all have weird reasons for why we like or don't like things and this is just one of mine. Bottom line I feel more comfortable with this journal than any other one I've ever had.
On a different note, my dreams have started to become increasingly.....well interesting. As I've been telling Angel, not only is the content of them different than my normal dreams, but they are so damn vivid. Normally there are only two times that I have dreams this vivid, when they are "memories" or when I am dream-sharing with another person. Right now both of these are pretty impossible. They can't be memories because the settings are too recent and I can't be dream-sharing because the other person is not asleep. No I'm not complaining at all right now because all in all the dreams are.....pleasent. I'm just concerned that there is a third party playing games, and I hate having someone trying to poke around my head. If there is a third party then its possible they know me entirly to well, because they are using the image of one of the few people that I would never raise my defenses against because I won't risk hurting them. I guess I'll just have to see how this plays out. Then again...sometimes a dream is...well just a dream.
On a different note, my dreams have started to become increasingly.....well interesting. As I've been telling Angel, not only is the content of them different than my normal dreams, but they are so damn vivid. Normally there are only two times that I have dreams this vivid, when they are "memories" or when I am dream-sharing with another person. Right now both of these are pretty impossible. They can't be memories because the settings are too recent and I can't be dream-sharing because the other person is not asleep. No I'm not complaining at all right now because all in all the dreams are.....pleasent. I'm just concerned that there is a third party playing games, and I hate having someone trying to poke around my head. If there is a third party then its possible they know me entirly to well, because they are using the image of one of the few people that I would never raise my defenses against because I won't risk hurting them. I guess I'll just have to see how this plays out. Then again...sometimes a dream is...well just a dream.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Screw Hallmark
Well we're coming up once again on another Hallmark holiday. Yes its that time of year again, Valentine's Day. A day we're we spend too much money in an effort to tell our Significant Other that we love them, something that we should be doing everyday anyway. It’s also a day where single folk get to feel rather miserable about not having a significant other. Since this will be only the second or third Valentine's Day that I've been with someone, I understand that feeling completely. My normal answer was to drink myself into insensibility, which sometimes ended up with me waking up next to one of my equally depressed single female friends.....both of us naked. I'm normally all for hooking up with one of my friends because we both just need to get laid, but in that situation its usually known what is going on ahead of time. For some reason after drunken Valentine's Day sex you both feel the need to justify why you don't want to be in a relationship with each other, and try to do it in such a way to not hurt the other person's feelings.
Back to the question at hand, why do we do this to ourselves? I did some research and discovered as with most of our modern holidays this one yet again is based in a pagan holiday. Anyone surprised? Anyone, anyone, didn't think so. The short version of what I found is Feb 14 was originally a feast to some pagan god/goddess of love/lust/fertility. Basic version went something like this: Any single females of marrying age in a village had their names put into a big old pot/hat/whatever. At that time any single males would come forward and draw names from said pot. The couple where then paired up for anywhere from the rest of the day or in some accounts for the entire year. The idea was they would fall in love (optional), get married (probably optional), and start producing children (not optional). If it didn't work, then come next Feb 14, back in the pot you go! So we've now turned the entire human courtship ritual into a lottery. Now this is where the history gets a little vague. My guess on what went on is, the practice of a human lottery, at least the pairing for the entire year anyway, probably fell by the way-side. So now we're left with a wonderful celebration of love and passion, in other words probably one of those celebrations where everyone get drunk and goes out and gets it on in the fields (reminds me of high school). Anyway, of course the Christians come through, see people drinking, having sex, and generally having a good time of it and immediately thought, "nope this has to stop!" So they go back through their immediate histories and locate the story of a priest named Valentine. Here was a guy who was pretty much just going along minding his own business being a priest, right? All of a sudden then governor, king, section sergeant whatever makes the decision, "no one else can get married until I say so!" Little known fact, this was seen as a punishment for something or other, in actuality it was because after his 6th wife, he was trying to keep the people from making his mistake :-p. Seriously though, after this came down, Valentine decides that he his going to continue marry people in secret. Obviously he was found out, and martyred (stoned to death probably) on Feb 14th.
Such a joyful thought for a holiday isn’t it? So when you’re out looking at the $80 bouquet of roses for your sweetheart remember, your celebrating the anniversary of someone being stoned to death. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Back to the question at hand, why do we do this to ourselves? I did some research and discovered as with most of our modern holidays this one yet again is based in a pagan holiday. Anyone surprised? Anyone, anyone, didn't think so. The short version of what I found is Feb 14 was originally a feast to some pagan god/goddess of love/lust/fertility. Basic version went something like this: Any single females of marrying age in a village had their names put into a big old pot/hat/whatever. At that time any single males would come forward and draw names from said pot. The couple where then paired up for anywhere from the rest of the day or in some accounts for the entire year. The idea was they would fall in love (optional), get married (probably optional), and start producing children (not optional). If it didn't work, then come next Feb 14, back in the pot you go! So we've now turned the entire human courtship ritual into a lottery. Now this is where the history gets a little vague. My guess on what went on is, the practice of a human lottery, at least the pairing for the entire year anyway, probably fell by the way-side. So now we're left with a wonderful celebration of love and passion, in other words probably one of those celebrations where everyone get drunk and goes out and gets it on in the fields (reminds me of high school). Anyway, of course the Christians come through, see people drinking, having sex, and generally having a good time of it and immediately thought, "nope this has to stop!" So they go back through their immediate histories and locate the story of a priest named Valentine. Here was a guy who was pretty much just going along minding his own business being a priest, right? All of a sudden then governor, king, section sergeant whatever makes the decision, "no one else can get married until I say so!" Little known fact, this was seen as a punishment for something or other, in actuality it was because after his 6th wife, he was trying to keep the people from making his mistake :-p. Seriously though, after this came down, Valentine decides that he his going to continue marry people in secret. Obviously he was found out, and martyred (stoned to death probably) on Feb 14th.
Such a joyful thought for a holiday isn’t it? So when you’re out looking at the $80 bouquet of roses for your sweetheart remember, your celebrating the anniversary of someone being stoned to death. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Friday, January 13, 2006
ramblings in the night
Fair warning, if you don’t understand what I’m talking about or at the very least how my mind works, then you’re not going to and I have no intention of explaining myself.
Something is coming; there is no doubt about that. I’ve felt it for months now, like an itch in the back of my mind. I can feel in my bones, hear it in my sleep, and in my dreams, against the horizon I see an outline. Outline of what? Something that I believed destroyed long before history. A shape against the clouds of something that shouldn’t, no, couldn’t still be there. A memory burned into my soul that I cannot escape, no matter how hard I’ve tried. A tower, all that remained of a once great and beautiful city, now twisted and dark. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is how Roland felt. The difference is this tower holds no answers and I am no Gunslinger.
Most people don’t understand what its like to wake up with memories of things that they have never done, places they have never seen, and people they have never known. In a way I envy them. It is very easy to dismiss the things in my head as simple dreams, compilations of books that I have ready over the years, movies I have seen, and so forth. Many times I have told myself just that, it’s all in your head. But what happens when someone else describes these things to you? What happens when someone tells you about their dreams (nightmares?) and they mirror your own? What does it mean when you walk into a place you’ve never been and suddenly know not only your way around but also where things are? What happens when you close you eyes and you can describe events that took place there in centuries past, without every having learned the history of the place? Well, Freud? Where are your answers now?
Questions upon Questions. I gave up searching for answers long before this life. When confronted with these things you have two choices, cling to your view of the “real” world and allow these images to drive you mad. Or, you can embrace it, which is perhaps madness in itself. I listen to the whispers of a past that is mine and not at the same time. I listen and I look for the patterns that run through out history. Recently, Angel posed the question, what do you do when the darkness comes to your doorstep. Do you run? Hide? I don’t know the right answer or even if there is one. I remember my answer from the days when a great city fell. You fight and you become something that the darkness fears. (How very Batman of you.) You push back against the night so hard it has no choice but to acknowledge you and eventually fear you. These are not the movies however. There is no shining hero at the end of these battles, no white knight to emerge, cloaked in honor and valor. In order to become that which the darkness fears above all else, you must become something that the light will fear as well. After its all over, where does that leave you?
They say there is forgiveness for the repentant, but how do you repent driving back the darkness?
Something is coming; there is no doubt about that. I’ve felt it for months now, like an itch in the back of my mind. I can feel in my bones, hear it in my sleep, and in my dreams, against the horizon I see an outline. Outline of what? Something that I believed destroyed long before history. A shape against the clouds of something that shouldn’t, no, couldn’t still be there. A memory burned into my soul that I cannot escape, no matter how hard I’ve tried. A tower, all that remained of a once great and beautiful city, now twisted and dark. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is how Roland felt. The difference is this tower holds no answers and I am no Gunslinger.
Most people don’t understand what its like to wake up with memories of things that they have never done, places they have never seen, and people they have never known. In a way I envy them. It is very easy to dismiss the things in my head as simple dreams, compilations of books that I have ready over the years, movies I have seen, and so forth. Many times I have told myself just that, it’s all in your head. But what happens when someone else describes these things to you? What happens when someone tells you about their dreams (nightmares?) and they mirror your own? What does it mean when you walk into a place you’ve never been and suddenly know not only your way around but also where things are? What happens when you close you eyes and you can describe events that took place there in centuries past, without every having learned the history of the place? Well, Freud? Where are your answers now?
Questions upon Questions. I gave up searching for answers long before this life. When confronted with these things you have two choices, cling to your view of the “real” world and allow these images to drive you mad. Or, you can embrace it, which is perhaps madness in itself. I listen to the whispers of a past that is mine and not at the same time. I listen and I look for the patterns that run through out history. Recently, Angel posed the question, what do you do when the darkness comes to your doorstep. Do you run? Hide? I don’t know the right answer or even if there is one. I remember my answer from the days when a great city fell. You fight and you become something that the darkness fears. (How very Batman of you.) You push back against the night so hard it has no choice but to acknowledge you and eventually fear you. These are not the movies however. There is no shining hero at the end of these battles, no white knight to emerge, cloaked in honor and valor. In order to become that which the darkness fears above all else, you must become something that the light will fear as well. After its all over, where does that leave you?
They say there is forgiveness for the repentant, but how do you repent driving back the darkness?
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